Work Occuring While Unemployed

They may look unassuming in their patriotic colored bag with their soft, round shape and approachable vintage orange coloring, but be warned, my friends, packed in this bag are 33 well-crafted agents of death.

Harbingers of death are often born and raised in disturbing conditions, conditions of abuse and maltreatment. The same can be said for the circus peanut –

Steve Kerr, Vice President of Operations for Spangler candy (one of the few remaining producers of circus peanuts) states — “I’m not a big fan”

Yes, circus peanuts are so vile, so reprehensible that not even their own creators can stand them. An outcast since birth, it’s no surprise that circus peanuts get their kicks by spreading misery and pain.

Once they move out of the factory, Circus Peanuts continue their path of destruction, casting an ominous shadow over the candy industry. Terrified Candy shop owner Pam Linseman says “You can’t be a candy store without circus peanuts.” Extortion, blackmail, and finally, murder, circus peanuts will stop at nothing to ensure their endgame.

And last, but not least, one must peer behind the orange veil of the circus peanut, and gain insight in the mind of a killer. What is it that makes these orange monsters tick? Sugar, Corn Syrup, Gelatin, Pectin, and Artificial Flavor, 39 grams of sugar - SUGAR lots and lots of SUGAR! Enough sugar to seriously decay one’s teeth or perhaps, enough sugar to make you go on a psychotic rampage? The Circus Peanut Defense?

Lock your doors, close your curtains, and most important of all, the thing that you must do above all others is avoid all purveyors of the dastardly peanuts, for your next trip to the corner store MAY BE YOUR LAST!

quotes taken from http://www.candyfavorites.com/shop/circus-peanut-history.php

So on day three, which is today, the Ides of July, I’ve already run out things to talk about. Yes, Tapeworms, cats, and Errol Flynn have complteley taken it out of me. It’s sad, but true.

And, at last, when all hope seems lost, when the river of creativity, born from the mountains of meandering, seems utterly dry, inspiration comes from the most unlikely place…..

She arrives in a cloud of salmon stink; god it’s gross, like talking to a small Jewish-woman with a fish head and old timey clothing…

Then moments later, without warning, someone somewhere releases something not meant for this world, not meant to ever be paired with Jewish-lady fish head. The warm, heavy smell (a mixture of dog food and soup that eats like a meal) floats through the air…

The two smells mix and mingle in ways that should never be. It’s truly horrifying.

Hungry? A little worried that you may be eating for two? Suffering from some of the following: nausea, dizziness, vomiting, restlessness, tiredness, pruritis ani, rectal-flutters, spontaneous voiding of segments from the anus, depression and psychosis?

Before you head to the doctor, here are some fun facts about your new friend:

• Parasites… parasites… parasites! I’m talking about Cestodas here people (tapeworms to me and you)
• You may have picked up your new friend by eating undercooked or rotten meat.
• The tapeworm that infects humans may grow to be 40 ft. long and half an inch wide.
• AND! A 100 foot tapeworm was found in the intestine of a whale captured off Catalina Island

For posterity, and also just to shove it to people when they force their kids’ pictures on you, here’s a wallet sized photo of the newest member of your family!

So the first question I pose is… what should I write about on this blog, and the question that inevitably follows content is frequency. Will I really be able to commit my nimble mind to spewing out entertaining, informative, and useful knowledge on a regular basis? I guess my only response is: I can try. And what is the purpose of this blog really? Yes what is the purpose? I suppose the purpose right now, what this blog was really born from was — boredom. Maybe I should change the name? Nah, I guess boredom is something that occurred to me while at work, so it fits. Yes, it does.

Ok, this blog was born from boredom and from the ashes of boredom will rise the great (wait, did I burn boredom? why are there ashes? moving on) phoenix of utility and information.

This blog will have:

1) Ramblings
2) Observations
3) CELEBRITY NEWS!
4) Pictures of Cats
5) Opinions
6) Whatever else I want

1) — Check

2) It’s unseasonably warm here. Whenever it gets warm here, people always say “This is earthquake weather.” I find that odd. Tornado weather I understand, hurricane weather, sure, blizzard weather… pretty obvious… but earthquake weather? My remedial understanding of natural science is unable to make any sense of this. Earthquakes aren’t caused by weather patterns … OR ARE THEY!? No they’re not. They’re caused by the shifting and grinding of the Earth’s seven major (and many minor) tectonic plates. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe all of science is wrong (like evolution) and maybe, just maybe, there’ll be an earthquake today.

3) Errol Flynn was caught last night with two underage chorus girls, Betty Hansen and Peggy Satterlee. He will be tried for statutory rape.

4)

5) Coldplay, The Dave Matthews Band, and Widespread Panic are shitty bands! The Republican Party Sucks, George Bush should be publicly tortured, and the Legend of Bagger Vance is the worst movie ever made.

6) *